| Hearing Delayed

Hearing Delayed --

The message sent is not the message received; or maybe I just didn’t get it in time.

Happy New Year (to me) -- October 2018, Year 28, Still Trying.

Yesterday at church, the pastor mentioned something along the lines of being able to hear, referencing Matthew 11:15:

“He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

The pastor addressed the head of the sign language ministry and asked him how they translate this scripture to those who are unable to hear audible sound. The head of ministry replied, “hearing is not limited to audible sound; it is about paying attention and receiving.”

Lately I’ve been on yet another course of self discovery, filled with discomfort and anxiety. When you’ve been doing things a certain way for so long, it is rather challenging to change and redirect the course. I know I don’t have it all together, and I didn’t have it together before; but I had a system. I had a system to make it work, to manage, and to keep going.

That system isn’t working anymore and I am having a hard time hearing.

Step back, look backwards briefly, turn around, and move forward.

Reality-- Things Fall Apart.

Usually when I feel like I can’t hear, it’s because my foundation feels a little shaky, and I’m having a rather challenging time making simple decisions or I’m having a seemingly simple conversation. I need to go into a quiet space, regroup, and make an assessment of the things I need to take and those I need to rid of.

I am at odds with myself.

When I look in the mirror, and I look on paper, and I look at my paintings; I wouldn’t say I am unhappy, I am just at odds.

The message sent is not the message received; or maybe I just didn’t get it in time.

I am a little on the thin side, but not because I’m not eating, I’ve just been doing intense Yoga Sculpt.

My paintings are beautiful, or maybe they just exist, beautifully.

I am unsure, I get nervous; I wake up early, and I don’t sleep well...but I’m fine. More or less.
When I started feeling this way, I felt completely defeated. I just knew life was a challenge and I saw no way out.

The truth is, there is no way out; there is only through. Overall, life is not a challenge; but life is in fact challenging me. Through relationships, work, and art; I am being challenged to divorce my comfort zone. I am challenged to lean into faith, and I am challenged to let go of behaviors, habits, and energy that is not serving me.

My comfort zone and my call can not co-exist, and I am in turn, at odds with myself, and challenged to manage what I allow to weigh on me.

I feel pressure, I’m unsure, I want to hide, but I can’t.

Hearing Delayed.

I am often alone, not physically; but emotionally, I feel like an island. Some of the water around me is based on life and circumstance, the others I have created myself. Survival will come with swimming.

So here I am,  October 2018, Year 28, Still Trying. Not just trying, swimming.

Swim with the sounds, sweetie, the water is okay.